Things On My Mind

A friend reminded me that I haven't blogged for a while. I figured today was as good as any to rectify that situation.

I've had quite a bit on my mind. For starters, there's this...
No, that isn't an ultrasound of my wife's stomach after she swallowed a gummi bear whole, it's my unborn child.

I'm 32 years old and on the way to being a father for the first time. You might think I would be prepared for something like this after all I have experienced in life, but I'm not. This scares the hell out of me.

First, I get a knot in my stomach every time I start to get excited about the baby. What if something goes wrong with the pregnancy..? I don't even want to think about it.

Then, I get a knot in my stomach when I think about the baby being born. What if something goes wrong..? Now I'm even sicker.

Finally, I think about what will happen when my child grows up. Now it's not a matter of if something goes wrong, but when and how will he/she deal with it.

When I was a child I believed the world was a simple place. People grew up, got married, got jobs, and lived just like their parents. Everyone was happy and everybody mowed their lawn on Saturdays.

But that's just not the case. Setting aside everything that is going on in Iraq, all the disasters predicted by Al Gore, and all the depressing suffering going on elsewhere in the world, just being here at home isn't what it used to be.

Healthcare sucks... Before I quit my job to come to school I was making a pretty decent living and I couldn't get health insurance. What will happen when it gets worse?

Our Government sucks... I can barely stand to read the news these days. Scandal, corruption, abuse of power. How long can this last before it all falls apart?

Getting a job sucks...Despite the fact that my wife and I will soon have the 2 bachelors, 2 masters, and a doctorate level education between us, we're still predicted to have a lower standard of living than our parents (adjusted for inflation). What will my baby have to look forward to?

School sucks... Kids shooting kids, kids hanging nooses in trees, companies selling bullet proof backpacks. When I was a kid we didn't even have car seats. Now these kids are thinking about wearing body armor to school.

The environment sucks... When I was young I played in the dirt. I lived just a few miles from forested areas where I could run and play, drink out of streams, and see places I felt like I was the only person to ever see. If there aren't houses where those forests used to be, there will likely be the charred remains of a forest fire, or a road giving access to some development where bulldozers have no business.

And love sucks... Nobody loves anybody anymore. Marriage isn't about love, it's about benefits. Sex isn't about love it's about fulfillment and personal satisfaction. Loving your neighbor is just an excuse for a charitable donation deduction.

I am so happy to have a child on the way. I pray the pregnancy goes well, I pray the child is born whole and healthy. I worry about what kind of world I'll bring my child in to. I've had 32 years to try to make it a better place... I've done a piss poor job.