Self Defense

So I've been taking a self defense class. It's some martial art designed to combat Nazis and terrorists so I like to think it is much cooler than any of those wussy, ballet dancing-esque, things where they wear funny robes and bow a lot but that's another story.

Anyway... I find it funny when the instructor continually talks about how "on the street" things are "real." Was I to assume that things on the street were unreal? And what exactly is real? Is it real to assume some guy is going to just sneak up on me, grab me from behind, and attempt to break my neck with a commando style choke move? Seriously? When was the last time that happened to anybody who wasn't looking for it?

Sometimes I think these people live in a fantasy world where cowboys still draw on each other, knights still joust, and gentlemen still duel. I think the greatest self defense system is one I have already mastered. It involves several simple techniques for avoiding situations where self defense is needed. These techniques are taught by memorization of folksy sayings passed on from grandfather to grandson.

1- Don't get into a wrestling match with a pig. You'll both end up dirty and only the pig will enjoy it.
2- If you feel like you shouldn't be there, you're probably right.
3- Don't piss into the wind.
4- There is always a bigger dog.
5- Most arguments are like events in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still a retard. (I don't personally love the word "retard" but the folksy saying just doesn't work without it).

So far this system has kept me out of any real fights for the last 15+ years of my life. Hopefully that streak will continue.

However, if someone should give me a hug while holding a yellow rubber gun to my head... I'll know what to do...