I Hate Television

What is the deal with programs starting and stopping and going on long breaks? All summer I get into a show called "Burn Notice" on USA. The other day I watch the season finale and they say "Next summer on Burn Notice." NEXT SUMMER!?!? They have clips of upcoming episodes but they're going to hold off until NEXT SUMMER!?

Then there's "The Dresden Files" from Sci-Fi. I was really getting into that show and then all of the sudden it disappeared. I look at the web page and they say "Coming back next season." Can't they just run a show on the same night for a while? What's with the stop/start crap?

And now there's LOST. I'm not as invested in LOST as my wife but she was SOOO pumped to see the new season. All the season premiers are this week and she rushed home to watch LOST. Imagine her disappointment when she found out it's not coming back until January.

I seriously don't get this... I want Cheers and Cosby back... The same program, the same night, until the thing drops dead.

Speechless

We went to see the OB today. The details are fuzzy but apparently I saw this...



And this...


It moved... I watched it... I can't begin to describe the feeling I had at that moment. It was a combination of glee and terror (it doesn't help that one of the images seriously looks like a pirate flag).

There is a very small person inside my wife's belly.

Ahmadinejad: 'We don't have homosexuals'

This kills me...

Asked about executions of homosexuals in Iran, Ahmadinejad said the judiciary system executed violent criminals and high-level drug dealers, comparing them to microbes eliminated through medical treatment. Pressed specifically about punishment of homosexuals, he said: “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country."

I can just see it now...

(Knock at the door)

Citizen: "Who is it?"

Official: "Iranian Census Bureau." (asks standard questions...) "Oh... One more thing. Are there any homosexuals here?"

Citizen in the back: "I am."

****BANG****

Official: "Anyone else?"

Self Defense

So I've been taking a self defense class. It's some martial art designed to combat Nazis and terrorists so I like to think it is much cooler than any of those wussy, ballet dancing-esque, things where they wear funny robes and bow a lot but that's another story.

Anyway... I find it funny when the instructor continually talks about how "on the street" things are "real." Was I to assume that things on the street were unreal? And what exactly is real? Is it real to assume some guy is going to just sneak up on me, grab me from behind, and attempt to break my neck with a commando style choke move? Seriously? When was the last time that happened to anybody who wasn't looking for it?

Sometimes I think these people live in a fantasy world where cowboys still draw on each other, knights still joust, and gentlemen still duel. I think the greatest self defense system is one I have already mastered. It involves several simple techniques for avoiding situations where self defense is needed. These techniques are taught by memorization of folksy sayings passed on from grandfather to grandson.

1- Don't get into a wrestling match with a pig. You'll both end up dirty and only the pig will enjoy it.
2- If you feel like you shouldn't be there, you're probably right.
3- Don't piss into the wind.
4- There is always a bigger dog.
5- Most arguments are like events in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still a retard. (I don't personally love the word "retard" but the folksy saying just doesn't work without it).

So far this system has kept me out of any real fights for the last 15+ years of my life. Hopefully that streak will continue.

However, if someone should give me a hug while holding a yellow rubber gun to my head... I'll know what to do...

Things On My Mind

A friend reminded me that I haven't blogged for a while. I figured today was as good as any to rectify that situation.

I've had quite a bit on my mind. For starters, there's this...
No, that isn't an ultrasound of my wife's stomach after she swallowed a gummi bear whole, it's my unborn child.

I'm 32 years old and on the way to being a father for the first time. You might think I would be prepared for something like this after all I have experienced in life, but I'm not. This scares the hell out of me.

First, I get a knot in my stomach every time I start to get excited about the baby. What if something goes wrong with the pregnancy..? I don't even want to think about it.

Then, I get a knot in my stomach when I think about the baby being born. What if something goes wrong..? Now I'm even sicker.

Finally, I think about what will happen when my child grows up. Now it's not a matter of if something goes wrong, but when and how will he/she deal with it.

When I was a child I believed the world was a simple place. People grew up, got married, got jobs, and lived just like their parents. Everyone was happy and everybody mowed their lawn on Saturdays.

But that's just not the case. Setting aside everything that is going on in Iraq, all the disasters predicted by Al Gore, and all the depressing suffering going on elsewhere in the world, just being here at home isn't what it used to be.

Healthcare sucks... Before I quit my job to come to school I was making a pretty decent living and I couldn't get health insurance. What will happen when it gets worse?

Our Government sucks... I can barely stand to read the news these days. Scandal, corruption, abuse of power. How long can this last before it all falls apart?

Getting a job sucks...Despite the fact that my wife and I will soon have the 2 bachelors, 2 masters, and a doctorate level education between us, we're still predicted to have a lower standard of living than our parents (adjusted for inflation). What will my baby have to look forward to?

School sucks... Kids shooting kids, kids hanging nooses in trees, companies selling bullet proof backpacks. When I was a kid we didn't even have car seats. Now these kids are thinking about wearing body armor to school.

The environment sucks... When I was young I played in the dirt. I lived just a few miles from forested areas where I could run and play, drink out of streams, and see places I felt like I was the only person to ever see. If there aren't houses where those forests used to be, there will likely be the charred remains of a forest fire, or a road giving access to some development where bulldozers have no business.

And love sucks... Nobody loves anybody anymore. Marriage isn't about love, it's about benefits. Sex isn't about love it's about fulfillment and personal satisfaction. Loving your neighbor is just an excuse for a charitable donation deduction.

I am so happy to have a child on the way. I pray the pregnancy goes well, I pray the child is born whole and healthy. I worry about what kind of world I'll bring my child in to. I've had 32 years to try to make it a better place... I've done a piss poor job.